Observations by Jonar Nader » Without question

Express Post offers no guarantee

Jonar Nader — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 15:08:05 +0000

One of Australia Post’s products is the Express Post bag that is guaranteed to reach its destination on the next business day. If it does not, you will be sent another bag. But if you do the maths, it’s a no-brainer offer from Australia Post. In round figures, it goes something like this: post a normal parcel from A to B and it would cost you $7.45 and arrive within three days (sometimes the next day). Use the yellow Express bag, and it will cost you $11.30 and could also arrive in three days. If you have the energy to monitor it and complain, they will send you another bag (not withstanding that you missed a deadline or let someone down or lost some opportunity as a result of the non-performance). So you pay $11.30 (or $15.90 if you need proof of delivery) for what should have cost you $7.45, and what might have cost them a few cents in the grand scheme of things. They are still up on the deal. Even if they stuff up, they are still making a profit. If you do not complain, they are making a packet. If they really want to operate in accordance with their espoused ethics, the right thing to do would be to refund the $11.30 to the customer. If that is not a profitable thing to do, it would be due to too many refunds being issued, which translates into too many express parcels not being delivered the next day!

I do wish that people would stop using the word ‘guarantee’ in this way. To my way of thinking, a guarantee ought to mean: what is promised will absolutely positively happen. In its convoluted misleading way, Australia Post is saying that it will just do what it can do, at its leisure, in its good time, and if for some reason, it does not deliver the next day, then we will be given another bag, but only if we chase it up, fill in forms, and complain. That is no guarantee at all. Why don’t people use the English language properly. Oh, I am sure the lawyers will tell me that the guarantee sets out the conditions, and that Australia Post will meet those conditions. Here’s my beef: ask 1000 customers walking out of Australia Post what they understand by the statement ‘Express Post Guaranteed Next Day Delivery’, and the average reasonable person would assume that the bag will be delivered the next day. But that is not what Australia Post is saying. Not at all. Not in a shred. A complete red herring. We need a special police department that arrests people for misusing the English language for profit and deceptive conduct. Who’s asking these questions? It all goes on, without question.

Click here for another article about Australia Post.

Whatever do they mean?

Jonar Nader — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 13:45:46 +0000

I wonder how many meetings and arguments might have taken place to arrive at this toilet paper being called ‘Eloquence’. Of all the words in the English language, why was this selected? What tickles me even further is the word ‘Premium’ printed above it.

What does the word premium really mean, in relation to toilet paper? Does that mean that it is the best that human engineering can make? What is better or higher or stronger or softer or nicer or more usable or more useful than ‘premium’? I am not sure that anything can be better than premium. Hang on a minute. In ‘ice cream’ circles, you can delight in ‘super premium’. So now the very best can be even better? Where can it end?

Every conflict, whether it involves military intervention or domestic violence or sibling rivalry, seems to have one thing in common: sloppy communications. Words and language are vital for human interaction. When people cannot be everywhere at once, they use signs to speak on their behalf. I wonder how much effort goes into the non-verbal communications process. This drinking-hole has a happy hour, where one hour goes on for five hours. I know that it does not matter, but if it does not matter, then what does matter? Sloppy language ought to matter, because to me, it is an early warning signal to sloppy thinking. And you know where that can lead.

At a hospital, I found this poster, advising patients and staff members alike to RACE in the event of an emergency. The acronym states: Remove people from immediate danger; Alert emergency number and nearby staff; Confine fire and smoke if practicable by closing windows and doors; and Extinguish or control fire if safe to do so. The only problem with this acronym is that it flies in the face of the decades of pleading with the public to stay calm, don’t panic, don’t rush, don’t run. ‘Race’ is hardly the word that goes with ‘calm’.

I am instantly drawn to query why someone would tell me something on the one hand, if they would never tell me about the other hand. For example, why tell me that Central Parking Systems or Secure Parking are both proud to be managing the Sydney Airport Car Parks? Do these organisations perform their commitments due to their pride, or due to their financial desires to secure more business? Where does pride come into it? Why tell me that they are proud? Exactly who is proud? And for how long? What about the other emotions that might be felt by staff members who might find it a burden or a bother? Would they ever post a sign that says, ‘Sydney Airport Car Parks are begrudgingly managed by…’?

This sign says, ‘Any lost tickets “Entry” or “Exit” incur full days (sic) rate. This measure is for security purposes’. Can anyone please tell me how this measure helps in terms of security? It might be a nuisance when customers lose their tickets. But if you can prove when they entered, it becomes nothing more than mean-spirited conduct to charge someone a full rate. Be that as it may, how does charging someone a full day’s rate help in terms of security? I really would like to know. I hate jumping to conclusions and criticising if I am not fully aware of the facts. However, nothing comes to mind. Maybe there is a fantastic reason behind this. I just can’t work it out. Thieves who decide to steal a car, would do so whether they had to pay for three hours or a full day’s rate. They would go in, say that they had lost their ticket, pay the full day’s rate, and out they drive with someone’s Ferrari. So how does paying the full day’s rate stop theft? What security are they talking about? Or do they mean that they are trying to stop cheats. In which case, this is not a question of security. How does charging someone $60 instead of $20 help in the fight against car theft? Besides, why would a smart thief show his face and argue about a lost ticket? Many a time I have seen people raise the boom-gate and just drive off without paying. Do you think that someone who would steal a car from a car park, has any scruples about driving off without paying?

Some products just have an unfortunate name. Some people have an unfortunate name. I once met a man whose company was called Darshit. I now realise that it is a common name in certain countries. The company that makes hand dryers for washrooms might one day have to reconsider its name. Rentokil sounds like a division of a gangster organisation.

Are you getting any?

Jonar Nader — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 01:07:21 +0000

A seventeen year old friend of mine is constantly buzzing, vibrating, or texting while talking, watching a movie, eating, or walking. He even does it in class. He can text without looking, just like typists can tap away on the keyboard without looking at the keys.

The photo above is his weekly dump. He has to delete the files lest his phone run out of memory. If he had his way, he would never delete the files just in case he needed them. He could not tell me what he thought he would need them for. Perhaps they comfort him.

The phone-carriers could make some money by charging for mailbox storage space. They are always dying to make an extra buck. This is something for which most people would gladly pay.

Today I received an email from one of my friends who said, ‘Why don’t you set up your own Twitter page? Knowing you, your Twitter comments would be witty, poignant, insightful, and I expect you would build a large following quickly.’ I responded, ‘Does the world need one more interruption in a day? Who’s got time to read all those blips?’

People are curious beings. Observe our behaviour on a flight. We can’t be bothered getting up to grab a newspaper. Yet, when the person next to us opens the page, we start reading over their shoulder. If there is a TV program in the foyer of a hotel, we become agitated if we can’t hear it properly, as if it matters whether or not we know what is being said?

Those with 300 or more friends on Facebook, how many hours does it take to look at all those short quips. What about those silly clubs they want you to join on Facebook? Today I received an invitation from a friend who wants me to join a club called, ‘I don’t care how you type on line’. Sure it’s all fun, but when you add it all up, where are all the hours going?

I never did watch Big Brother on television. For a start, I do not own a television. My monitor only plays DVDs. I can not watch a TV show if I wanted to. The antenna is not set up, on purpose. I just don’t want the distraction. I know that if I just switch it on for a sec, while I take a break, Oprah (repeats) or Dr Phil or Judge Judy would agitate me, and force me to stay tuned beyond the mindless advertisements to see if the mother of 15 kids is going to marry for the 19th time. And does it really matter? Anyway, back to Big Brother. I know how addictive it can be. We are all the same. We want to know what happens next. It’s only natural. So I never watch the first episode. In this way, I have no curiosity.

Why do you think publishers give you a free chapter to read? It’s a great hook.

Seventeen year olds can receive thousands of text messages, and send out thousands. They listen to hours of radio or music, and watch hours or television or videos or cable and they go to the movies. They chat on the phone and on MSN and other social and porn sites. In the end, when you ask them about something important, they say, ‘I’ve been so busy. I haven’t had time.’

I’ve seen people texting at a rate of one per ten seconds. When I query it, they say that they are trying to work out where to meet each other. ‘Why don’t you just call and sort it out?’ The response is often, ‘It’s cheaper to text’. It also seems more private if they are around family members. They do not want others to hear the conversation that would go along these lines: ‘Let’s go to Sarah’s, pick up the DVD of ‘Fifi Does Dallas’, then on to Jamie’s for the booze, and we can then leave to the club at midnight, and I’ll drive, but can you lend me $20 bucks because I lost mine at the casino… and don’t forget your fake ID.’

People make time for what they think is important. And I fear that most people have not decided that twitter is important. It is not a decision, but a sticky-beak ‘I can’t miss-out’ addiction. But my dear, it is such a waste of time. To which they will respond, ‘You don’t understand. I just have to know what’s going on. What if it is important!’

P.S. To all those friends of mine on Facebook: it would be good to receive a phone call from time to time so that we can go and have a meal. I prefer human contact. Until then, as they say in cyberspace: xx oo xx :) and don’t forget the lol.

I really wonder if…

You’re so vain

Jonar Nader — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 00:11:33 +0000

If you look up the meaning of ‘vanity’ you would see that it refers to egotism and pride. It also refers to something being empty or worthless. The term is often used as an insult. It can also refer to someone having way too much pride or admiration in their own achievements or their own looks. Such a person would not own a mirror. They would look into a vanity mirror. They would pay a publisher to publish their work, and this is called vanity press.

Anyway, at hotels the world-over, next to the soap and shampoo is a small Vanity Set. In general, these contain a cotton bud or cotton pad, and cotton sticks for the ear. Some contain a small nail file. Is that all it takes to be vain? Is that the vanity set? The complete set? What does that mean? If you are vain, you will use this pack? And if you use this pack, you are vain?

Of course I understand that the hotel does not mean that. Well then, what does it mean? And this is my point: within an organisation, how many things go unquestioned? For how many years will this practice continue? It does not matter what that set is called. I am merely showing how a business will print boxes, and enact practices, and carry-out policies, and go through the motions, without asking questions. Lots of things go unquestioned and unchallenged. In their own right, they might seem small and insignificant. To me, they show that an organisation is dead. Creativity requires keen observation. New ideas cannot spring up unless someone has a burning question in the mind. The art of questioning must be honed if a corporation or institution desires creativity – and by ‘creativity’ I do not mean colour and excitement. Rather, creativity refers to ‘creating’ to ‘making’ to bringing about things that were hitherto unknown or unimagined: things such as new ideas, new rules, new offers, new products, and new services to compete in new markets.

My company is called Logictivity. This comes from joining the words ‘logic’ and ‘creativity’. For a longer dissertation about logictivity and its application, see this explanation.

I found this in a New Zealand hotel. It is called a 'Grooming kit'. Perhaps that's a better name for it, but again, it seems that it does not take much to groom oneself.