Telstra’s confusing statements

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But does this make it the fastest of ALL networks? Or only the fastest amongst the national networks? Maybe it is the fastest of all wireless that are national, even though there might be local non-national networks that are 100 times faster?

In a huge window display, Telstra promotes ‘The world’s fastest national wireless broadband network’.

I find such things confusing. Which is the impressive part of the statement? The fact that it is wireless, or that it is national, or that it is broadband, or that it is the fastest in the world?

This headline is muddy. It’s like a statement about owning the world’s largest potato truck. Is the truck the largest vehicle in the world? Or, of all the trucks that carry potatoes, it is the largest, even though it might not be the largest truck in the world? Or is it the largest truck fashioned out of an over-grown potato, making the truck no larger than an apple?

In this case, are we to assume that there are faster wireless networks, albeit ones that adequately service a local area, but that do not extend nationally? Or is it the fastest wireless network, that is also national?

Besides, why would anyone need a national network? Most people to not travel that much. While at home or at work, most of us just need a fast system at our current location. This is like a dry-cleaning company boasting about having 700 outlets. How is this of interest to average people who just need their shirts cleaned weekly, at the handy laundry down the road?

And what does fastest mean? By how much? What is one giving-up in order to go with the fastest? For example, if it takes one hour and $200 to catch a flight to your destination, would you go with the ‘fastest’ airline if it saves you ten minutes, but costs you an extra $500?

Would you like to be coached by the fastest runner in the world? Would the second-fastest (who was a tenth of a second behind) be incapable of assisting you? Is the second-place holder simply a failure and an embarrassment?

I am easily confused, and yes, I ask too many questions. However, when a large corporation makes bold statements, it had better have a good reason for making them.

Suppose that I swallow it whole, and go with the spirit of the statement, and just drop all my questions, and accept that this is one super-hot very-fast network that would suit me, because as a traveller, I could benefit from a national network… then… pray tell, why the fine print in that poster, just under the headline. It says, ‘In selected areas with BigPond’s new USB card’.

How can something be national, but ‘in selected areas’? They boasted about it being national. So now it is not national. It is in selected areas, which is where all the major players operate anyway. Every provider works in selected areas. So the headline should say, ‘Wireless access in selected areas.’ That’s the end of that statement.

As for how fast it is, it seems that it just might never be all that crash-hot. Did you notice that the fine print also has more fine print; listed as item number ‘1’. Which tempers the enthusiasm by stating, ‘Actual customer download speeds are less than 21Mbps. Speeds vary due to factors such as distance from cell, local conditions, user numbers, hardware, software, download source and other factors.’ The poster on the left says that it works better in more places. Does this really matter to the average user? Australia is a big place. If this network works well in a 10,000 places, who cares? What individual users care about is that it works in the seven places that they frequent. Does it work well when they need it. Who cares that it works in so many places if one cannot get on with their work in their own back yard. What consolation is it to tell someone that they should not complain about not being able to connect to their emails because their network is a great network and works in 9,99 other places really well, but rotten luck you are standing in the wrong spot. Or that you cannot access your network because your postcode has more elderly people in it, which means that they surf the net, taking up your bandwidth. In any case, what’s all this mean when New Zealand’s Telecom says that no one does it better. What I want to know, is who does it well, properly!